Being open about my Autism and ADHD, I am frequently asked what it is like living with these conditions. It’s probably a good idea to ask my friends, but here’s my take on it.
Firstly, it is important to acknowledge that Autism and ADHD (AuADHD) are utterly bewildering, especially to us on the inside. I know the most obvious way in which AuADHD would be detectable is in social situations as, for much of my life I have considered myself an alien struggling to adapt to a world full of secretive social conventions which vary from group to group. It is odd that I use an analogy here because they have caused me many problems, especially as a child. My brain reads things very literally, so much so that I have to use experience to analyse what has been said to see if the person is using an analogy, being sarcastic or one of the many other mysterious ways in which people communicate. Of course, I have learnt the rules of a host of social situations and this, combined with the above filter process, works well much of the time. Occasionally, my brain bypasses this filter and I use humour to find a way out. My friends will often recount when I’ve mis-read a situation and that is useful, it all gets stored in the social behaviour file in my brain. It is worth pointing out that usually the only person feeling humiliated is me, I’ve got used to that, unfazed is my superpower.
Going somewhere new is another minefield, I have a sponge-like brain and in a new environment consume everything I see and hear, it is completely overwhelming and can cause anxiety even panic attacks, as my senses become overloaded with all the stimuli. From posters, drinks, menus, music, conversation, people, outfits, everything. This is called Sensory Processing Disorder and is one of the biggest challenges of living with AuADHD, it’s why so many prefer strict routines, I have tried many ways of coping but still the first hours, or even days, somewhere new are exhausting.
Work is a area of particular difficulty, I was once described as eminently unemployable. The person who said it meant it as a compliment, though I took it as mere factual observation. For me, I have found liberation in self-employment, it allows me to fulfil what potential I have as my brain is very binary and seems to function in two distinct ways.
- I get hyper-focused, where breaks spoil the rhythm. This is called time-blindness, I get lost in what I am doing and subsequently am completely hopeless at timekeeping or working with the schedule of others.
- Other days my brain won’t engage at all and it’s best to chill out until it does.
This creates problems with a strict 9-5 routine, as I can get well ahead by working obsessively, only to find I am not allowed the downtime when I need it. There are occasions when the downtime never comes, especially on projects where I have a high level of engagement. Possibly because of this hyper-focus, I tend to be very direct when communicating, I have been told that I am very difficult to work with, which upsets me greatly. Like many things, I’ve learned to brush it off and see it as part of my difference but this, I am told, makes things worse as I seem aloof, when all I really want to do is get the job done. There is no doubt that being so mis-understood in this way is tough, especially when I genuinely like working alongside people.
Combatting time-blindness and hyper-focus requires meticulous planning, this not only helps my need for routine but also ensures that I can avoid the worst part of AuADHD, causing genuine hurt because I’ve missed an appointment or not finished a piece of work. Setting lots of reminders and making endless lists helps this and in the age of mobile devices this is much easier. I don’t know what advice I could give the 30 something me, but then he didn’t know about AuADHD, I wasn’t diagnosed until 52.
The most misunderstood part of Autism or ADHD is the belief that we can be regarded as emotionless. I think this comes from difficulties with social interaction and small talk but it is both wrong and very damaging. I feel emotion, often very intensely. I simply struggle to express what’s going on inside me with any eloquence. When it comes out it is often direct and my words are received very differently to how they were sent, this can be helped with honest, direct communication, the ability to listen, understand when the words may not fit the person and question me when they don’t.
The difficulty with relationships, both personal and professional allows me to conclude with the symptom that has the greatest impact on me, depression. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that problems with self-esteem and developing or maintaining relationships would lead to depression. However, because Autism or ADHD is a child onset condition and I, like many others wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, the signs aren’t picked up, least of all by me. I am lucky, I had parents who loved me despite, or possibly because of my weirdness. They must of struggled to understand this child who refused to go to school as the environment was chaotic and for me, traumatic, yet passed exams with apparent ease. Not all exams, if something doesn’t interest me then I have no engagement with it at all, faking interest isn’t something I can do. I did however spend much of my time learning in museums and libraries, curators and librarians seemed to have so much more time than teachers did.
Another mis-conception, largely because it is presented in films and media, is the association between Autism and high intelligence. From a personal perspective, I am aware that as I grew up much was, and still is, made of my academic ability, probably because it was a nicer subject than the many social faux pas. (Getting the experience I build my filters on wasn’t easy). However, I attribute much of my perceived “intelligence” as a result of hyper-focus on a narrow range of interests, mine just happened to be mathematics. I certainly do not have a wide range of knowledge and am unlikely to be an asset to your quiz team. Truth is, I would trade 50 points of IQ for being neurotypical any day.
In conclusion, I want to reassure you, the reader, that it isn’t all bad, this blog is written to highlight some of the challenges I have faced and I am sure, others do too. I have had a fabulous, fortuitous life and have grabbed opportunity when I see it. Yes, I do a lot of masking, (Hiding in a uniform set of behaviours which befit the current social situation) but that seems to make me something of a chameleon and my closest friends say they enjoy hanging out with me. I guess the unpredictability works, I don’t really know.